Beginnings 02

1973-Jan-07

I went to work today, nothing in particular happened. D2 had the flu and L came in.
H came in after going driving with D and the $10 D owed Mommy. Mommy didn't take it.

Well, it looks like D and I aren't going out anymore. No sweat, I think. It's 4 PM and he hasn't called me. What the fuck is wrong with him?

He called yesterday night from his bother's house and I was pretty cool to him. I guess I haven't been mentioning him much in my diary because I just remembered something that happened on Friday at our happy hour. Somebody said I was very beautiful (probably D3 and E were discussing it) and D said, in an undertone, "Yeah, too beautiful." What kind of comment was that? Well, it happened the last day I saw him.

I'm very upset, now, I wonder if it has anything to do with D.
F was a real fuckhead today. He let Tobey be in his shit and I came home from work, I had to clean Tobey while fuck-ass Mommy was yelling for me to clean his box. [Note: Tobey = dog.] Shit, a lot of help she's been with Tobey.

I feel very frustrated now. Should I? Wonder why.


Same date, different time.

I miss D, but I know as soon as i start going out with him, if I do, I'll start heaping the shit on him again. in our woman's group, C once said she felt very lonely--no, I'll write what I feel, not what someone has said and I identify with.

I want someone to trust, to love. I want it to happen, for that person to come along and for our fantastic relationship to begin, but, deep down (I suppose not so deep if I feel it.) I know I would never, never trust one single person that much. Maybe I'm much too insecure, maybe I've never really been in love before, whatever the reason. I can almost feel I'm being to idealistic, intellectually speaking that is; yet, a part of me does want this "utopia"(?) to happen.

I feel very alone, very lost; like there isn't one person I would go to and say, "Hold me, let no one hurt me, let nothing hurt me." And, I'm even sadder to say, there isn't ------- and the preceding paragraph is ------well, I guess I just said the same thing twice.

I want very badly to move out. Why? I don't think I can really say. I want out. Oh yeah, I tell everyone I would like to experience it, but, I really, honestly can say why. F and Mommy are bugging the shit out of me--maybe that's why.

Wow, am I feeling insecure tonite!!

I've decided if D calls me to ask me out, I'll go, no hassle, no fuss. But then, why the fuck am i feeling so uptight that I haven't heard from him? Silly, I'm just gonna have to dismiss these feelings.

I should be happy--well, no, D stopped calling under some pretty touch topics. Earlier today, Mommy actually got a kick out of displaying D's IOU and telling everyone she was going to photostat it and hang it all over Chinatown. I was totally disgusted!

I was thinking of moving in with some other girls. What other girls? God knows, I'll settle that later. Moving in with some other girls and getting the fuck outta here. Why the hell should I be worried about my mother's head?

Aw, I'm totally fucked up and I'm beginning to write like an idiot, so to all, a good night.

Beginnings 01

1973-Jan-01

Well, this is the upteenth time I'm starting a diary but hopefully I'll keep working on it this time. Today I went to DH's place to smoke and it was okay. Nothing to get excited about. He asked me out to dinner, but my hair was gooky and I felt real awfual because my red headed cousin came for a visit today, so I refused. He, Mommy and Fred just left for a couple of drinks. I didn't see DW today which made me very happy. I think maybe I'm seeing may be too much of him. He's a true dud, and I can't talk to him: I feel he doesn't understand me and I most probably don't understand him too well. My whole relationship with him seems to be made of nothing. His love (if it is as strong as he claims it is) is what seems to holding us together. I just yesterday called him and I said we shouldn't be seeing so much of each other. He calls me today to ask if I want to go out. Why doesn't he just lay off for a couple of days?

...
1973-Jan-03
I went to J's house today for a PPH5 meeting. got stoned out of my head.
Tonight i went out with M and a friend of her's, J. We went to see the Persuasion; they sang without music and were fantastic.
M J/L (0)perator
Mother, the sweetheart, made me do the floors before I went to the PPH5 meeting.
When I came home from going to the Bitter End with M & J, L told me Mommy had called and spoken to movers. My God, she's doing it!

1973-Jan-04
J called, told me about the sec'y job at Columbia:

• $120/wk
• Blue Cross - Blue Shield
• * 64 tuition free credits after 30 days (Columbia degree0
• 4 wks vacation
• 5 pd holidays

Mommy doesn't like it.
Called M--she said it was fabulous.
I'm taking it.
When I was telling M what it all about, I told her my mother said that I should decide.
I wanted her opinion. MISTAKE - said M.
I just now realized at 2 in the morning: what the fuck did I ask her opinion for? Shithead!!
Am I too used to only her opinion or did I really create some sort of asinine masochistic fuck-up? Wow.
Earlier in the day--talked to A & J--going to get a B in classwork.
Going back, I think it's because I'm only used to her opinion.
No asinine masochistic fuck up.